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Following is a revised version of a message originally posted on
Sanguinarius's message board in November 1997.
On being a vampire
by Blood Brother C
Dear seekers and friends:
I feel a bit disturbed, by these posts by those requesting to be "turned." As one who's been a vampire all his life so far to date, with no end in sight but perhaps death -- and even that, I'm not sure of as a release, considering some of the "past life" visions I've had -- I have to say, overall it's not a picnic in the moonlight.
The "vampire fan" media, tend to depict us as archetypes, hunger and desire incarnate... But ultimately, we are a special strain of human, dealing with constant hunger and desire. A haunting sense of incompleteness and confusion, troubled me from the day I was stillborn, and covered with fur... The doctors managed to revive me.
I struggled on, with no guidance but my intuition, and what I could scrape together from folklore, ancient and modern, for over a quarter-century...
Sometimes, looking back on some of my agonies and blunders, I can hardly believe I've made it through, to truer knowledge, and healthy self-acceptance. Miraculously, I've made it this far, without irreparably harming anyone... And, most amazingly, without physically hurting another.
I regret to say, I have donated blood, twice in my life. Perhaps my urge to post this, is my way of trying to make up for my innocent, early blunder in that regard.
You see, I rationalized that I couldn't possibly be a vampire, because I believed what I saw in the movies, to some extent, for a while...
I didn't realize it was possible, to be spawned a vampire, in the normal human sense. And, for a long time, I was in denial. I didn't want to believe... Really, who would? I kept thinking I could talk myself out of it, and fearing the bloodhungering beast within...
Indeed, I have yet to allow myself, incredible though it may seem, to taste the blood of another human being. However, the desire and intent to feel flesh cradled in my jaws, to taste the warm vitality of live human blood, has been with me always... I shall see that desire fulfilled. When the time is right. When I am with the right person.
In light of how strongly vampyre I am, I find myself astounded, at the creative measures I've developed, to cope, without falling back into "substance abuse," which did tempt me, for a time... This ingenuity may be one of the more blessed "fruits" of being a congenital vampire.
Another "blessing" of sorts, is that I have never known another way of being. I shall never mourn what "might have been." For, I have nothing to compare this life to. My salvation, lies in self-acceptance alone.
However, those who are "turned," in the infective way -- whether "deliberately," or accidentally as in the case of, say, a transfusion of blood which came from a vampire -- do have those memories of normalcy. And, they lack the coping skills I've developed, through sheer necessity. My heart goes out to any in those categories, who have come here, to seek help. I know how tough it is. Especially if you're unsponsored/unsired.
Until you experience the long nights of restlessness which won't permit sleep, that feeling of being a caged animal being slowly starved to death by sadistic keepers-- Chances are, until then, you have no idea what it's like. And then, of course, it's too late.
And, of course, there are the "side benefits" -- ::light self-mockery, here:: In my extreme case, I'm wildly sensitive to all manner of stimuli, whether "psi," or "material"... Dealing with that, requires a finely honed ability to focus, while also employing a degree of self-protective dissociation, and the usual "psychic shielding."
Additionally, I've developed a strong aversion to what used to be some of my favorite foods... And, I am incapable of smelling cooked or baked food, without feeling ill -- Refined, significantly processed foods, whether laden with synthetics or not, also are repugnant to me. And, additionally, my body is utterly incapable of usefully assimilating any uch foods. I must eat *all* my food raw, or not at all.
Even synthetic fabrics and most paints, and other artficial substances, make me uncomfortable, and trigger an avoidance reaction, and sometimes something akin to an "allergic" reaction... One faint whiff of a carpet outgassing, for instance, is like a thick roomful of gasoline fumes, to me. ::grimace:: I have been known to feel unpleasantly "intoxicated" in the presence of such influences.
I also "enjoy" extreme photosensitivity, EMF sensitivity, and "surprise" bouts of altered states, often connected to a deep, frantic craving for blood, that often feels close to feral madness... Imagine the distress of a crying baby, perpetually unfed, and you'll have some inkling of what it feels like.
Granted, I may be an extreme case, for having apparently inherited full vampirism genome clusters, from both my maternal grandfather, and my much-estranged biological father, the existence of whom, my mother still denies... And then, there's the entire estranged remainder of his family, and their contributive branch of my genetics to consider, as well...
But, if you, Mr./Ms. Normal, got only a fraction of my state of being, as a result of "wilingly" ingesting my blood, I doubt you could handle it gracefully -- To say the least.
I've come to grips with the fact that, my bloodhunger, has made me vulnerable to callous exploitation by those who implicitly"promise" blood in exchange for my physical charms, and then fail to deliver-- Thank the Creator of us all, I've never gone so far as to sell myself for blood, like a junkie supporting his habit... But the temptation, along with other temptations, has certainly been there.
We are not forces of nature. Rather, we are subject to the most raging, primal forces you can -- or can't -- imagine.
Think about what I've said. Those of us who'd jump instantly to turn you, are probably not the kind you need the sponsorship of. They will, most likely not be there for you, when your needs and trials, crises and agonies, become too burdensome to them. They will probably abandon you. Or, perhaps, kill you.
I have respect for this way of life, and for all my brethren. I believe vampirism can be a blessing, when properly understood, and properly dealt with... But is not to be chosen lightly, for those who have a choice.
Those of you who do not believe in anything I've just said, need not. ::shrug:: The fact that many careless "normal" people think us "kinky" people with mild delusions at best, works to protect me and my kind, in some ways... I've no desire, to be hunted and killed, like a rabid animal.
That is why we vampyres are discreet. And, why we respect each other, and our condition. I'd advise those of you who wish to ingratiate yourselves to us, to respect us in kind.
Peace and wisdom,
Blood Brother C
In response to this posting, Sanguinarius asked Blood Brother C to share some of the coping skills referred to above. Click here for an edited version of Blood Brother C's reply.